Parent Teacher Conferences
by artyfan
Summary: Because even assassins make time to go see the teachers of their children.


**Heh heh heh...this may or may not be a late Christmas present for celestialstarynight. I meant to have it done yesterday...but I forgot all about it. So here it is now. And it's terrible. But merry Christmas, Celeste!**

Talia al Ghul was a woman of many talents.

She was a master of martial arts and deception. She was a brilliant businesswoman and politician – she had to be, what with her high position in the League of Assassins.

But many people would agree that one of her talents overshadowed all of her others any day of the week.

Her ability to make a grown man cower like a scared child.

Lawrence Crock was not a man easily frightened. No self respecting criminal was. But most self respecting criminals hadn't stood in front of an angry Talia al Ghul.

Talia had a way of glaring that made her seem several feet taller than the men that loomed over her – in example, Lawrence Crock. Her martial arts prowess and criminal reputation didn't hurt. Neither did the fact that her father was Ra's al Ghul, head of the League of Assassins, whose favourite pastimes apparently included doting on his daughter and heir.

"You are by no stretch of imagination a suitable father," Talia said quietly.

All Sportsmaster could do was stare. _What?_

Talia had summoned him and spent a good minute glaring at him so fiercely that he had had to fight the urge to run, then berated him for his _parenting skills_?

He opened his mouth to say something, only for Talia's hand to slam into his chest, sending him stumbling backwards.

"Don't say a thing," she hissed. "You have been such a poor parent to Artemis and Jade that as soon as Paula was imprisoned, Jade _ran away. _You have trained them both, yes. But you neglect Artemis and take no interest in her schooling."

"Her schooling?" Sportsmaster asked. "She's going to be one of us, once she gets over the hero phase. Why does she need – "

"Because," Talia snapped, "she is more intelligent than you are. Her plans will be infinitely more foresighted than yours. You have already alienated Jade. _I _am going to start taking an active interest in Artemis's education. I will be meeting with her teacher this Friday."

"Doesn't Paula usually do that?" Sportsmaster asked.

"Not this time," Talia replied. She swept out of the room.

* * *

"Bruce," Talia said. "I understand that you are unable to attend Richard's parent teacher conference on Friday."

"You would be correct," Bruce replied. "Though I really don't understand how my son is any of your business. Alfred will be going."

"No, he won't," Talia said. "I will."

Bruce Wayne was not easily surprised. But Talia's statement had caught him completely off guard.

"Er...I appreciate the concern, but you really don't have to do that," he said hurriedly. Talia shook her head.

"Yes, I do," Talia replied grimly. "Dick received an eighty nine on his last test. This is unacceptable."

"It was one test!" Bruce protested. "He didn't even have a chance to study for it."

That was the wrong thing to say. Talia's eyes narrowed dangerously. "You allow him to take tests without preparation?"

"He was on patrol," Bruce said, not exactly sure why he was defending himself. "It was study or sleep."

"Or study or patrol," Talia snapped. "I thought you were a better parent than Lawrence."

"As in...Crock?" Bruce asked.

"Yes, as in Crock! I'll be talking to his daughter's teachers as well."

With that, Talia left the room. Thirty seconds later, Bruce was still trying to figure out what had occurred.

* * *

Artemis's books were spread all over the table. Artemis dropped her pen and leaned back in her chair as Dick sat down across from her.

"Hey, Artemis," he greeted her.

"Hi," she said. "Waiting for someone?"

"Nah, not really. Bruce can't make it to parent teachers, so apparently he's sending someone that is not Alfred. I'm kind of curious as to who it is."

"Me, too," Artemis said, closing her chemistry book. "Absolutely no idea who my mom would send, or _why_, for that matter, but..."

She trailed off as Dick's eyes widened. It would have been comical, had he not looked like he was about to be sick.

Artemis turned to see what he was staring at. Her eyes widened as well.

A woman, tall and lean, was walking past them. Her brown hair was pulled into a ponytail. All of this was very normal. Unless you knew who that woman was.

Talia al Ghul.

"Am I imagining things?" Artemis hissed to Dick. He shook his head slowly.

"I don't think so," he said. "Your mom knows her, right? Maybe she's here for you."

Artemis shuddered. "Let's hope not. She could easily be here for you. From what I recall, she knows Bruce _pretty _well."

"Ah!" Dick buried his face in his hands. "Don't say it! I'm just going to hope she's here for you."

"Hey, Dick, Artemis."

The two turned to look at the girl who had approached, making no attempt to hide the dread on their faces. Barbara's smile faltered. "Are you two all right?"

Neither bothered to answer. They continued to stare at her. Barbara frowned, then shrugged, walking off to join her father.

Talia spoke. Her voice could still be heard from the table at which Artemis and Dick sat. "I am here to speak to the teachers of Artemis Crock and Richard Grayson."

The two teenagers groaned in unison.

* * *

"You teach both Artemis and Richard," Talia said. "Tell me about them."

"Artemis is bright. She picks up languages very quickly."

"Of course she does," Talia said crisply. "No one I contribute to raising can be unintelligent."

"The one problem is that she never participates in class," the teacher said. "She spends most of it asleep."

"Do her test performances reflect that?" Talia asked, voice soft. The teacher didn't seem to realize that she was walking into dangerous territory.

"No," she assured the assassin. "Not at all, but she really should be paying attention."

"Your class is obviously boring her," Talia snapped. "Why should she pay attention when she already understands the material?"

"Sooner or later, we'll go over something she doesn't know," the teacher said. "Then her grades will drop. Also, if she doesn't practice, she'll get rusty and not live up to her full potential."

"I assure you, there is no need to worry about that," Talia answered. "She's _my _daughter. She never does anything but live up to her potential. I suggest you go through material more quickly if you want her to take anything out of your class. What about Richard?"

"He never pays attention in class either, but unlike Artemis, I don't know if he understands or not."

"He grew up in a circus!" Talia exploded. "Of course he understands! He understands several languages well enough for basic communication. Of course he understands French!"

* * *

"Dick is obviously very intelligent, but he refuses to apply himself," the man said. "He frequently asked questions about words he _knows _aren't words."

"Like what?"

"He'll drop prefixes to form words that aren't real words. Such as gruntled. Then he'll ask me why he can't, and why they need a prefix if they can't stand alone."

Talia arched a brow. "And do you _answer _him?"

"Um," the man stammered. "I...Miss al Ghul, I can't answer a question that's – "

"What kind of English teacher are you?" Talia snapped. "You can't answer a simple linguistics question?"

Her voice dropped dangerously low. "Mr. Blake, I am a _very _talented businesswoman. If you do not take the time to answer the questions my son legitimately wants answers to, I can assure you that you will be looking for another job."

The teacher squeaked. He nodded, but Talia was on a roll now.

"English is not his first language. Would you have been able to tell that just from listening to him?"

Blake shook his head.

"My first language was Arabic, so I know first hand how difficult learning English can be. Richard has done a remarkable job. He wants it to make sense to him, and it doesn't. Explain why."

"How?" Blake asked. Talia's glare could have melted steel.

"Oh, I don't know! Maybe explain how English has words that come from a huge number of languages, and so there are much fewer patterns than in any other language!"

Talia continued to rant, her glare only intensifying. As subtly as he could, Blake pulled a copy of his will from his desk and added a small note to the bottom – _If I am still teaching either Richard Grayson or Artemis Crock at the time of my death, give them an automatic A in the class for having to put up with the death glares of a deranged mother figure._

Blake didn't think he was allowed to do that. But it was worth a shot.

* * *

"Miss al Ghul, I really don't understand your concern," the teacher said hesitantly. "Both Artemis and Dick are fine students. An occasional eight nine isn't the end of the world."

"I expect nothing short of perfection," Talia said. "What do they need to do to improve?"

"A little more focus, perhaps," the teacher suggested. "If they spend a little more time on their homework, they'll do much better."

Talia nodded grimly. "Yes, I can imagine. I assure you, from now on, they will do _much _better. I'll restrict some of their extracurricular activities."

"I doubt that'll be necessary," the teacher tried.

"I do," Talia said shortly.

Outside the door, Dick and Artemis turned to stare at each other, horrified. Artemis was the first to speak.

"She's bluffing, right?" she asked frantically. "Please, please tell me she's bluffing."

Dick could only shake his head. "I don't think she is..."

* * *

Talia shoved the two teenagers forward with far more strength than someone her size should have. "Both of you are housebound for the next two weeks. Instead of going on patrol or on missions with your team, you will be studying. After the two weeks end, you will be training with me for three evenings. Artemis, I do not like how dependent you have become on your bow. Richard, last week, you lost a sparring match against Aqualad. That is not to be tolerated."

"I had a cold," Dick started to say. Then he sighed and stopped talking. There was no point arguing with Talia – or even asking her how she knew that.

"I'm not dependent on my bow," Artemis muttered. "And we have to go on missions with the team! They _need _us!"

"It will teach you not to allow your grades to slip," Talia said crisply.

"But Talia – " Dick tried, forgetting the realization he had come to not five minutes before.

"No, child," Talia interrupted. "Do not argue with me. Tell your father – "

"He's not – "

"You're not – "

Talia waited patiently for her two surrogate children to stop talking over each other. When they finally did, they both lowered their heads in defeat.

"Fine," Dick muttered. Artemis elbowed him.

"We should sell the movie rights to this," she said. "I can see it now – _Living With An Assassin For A Surrogate Mother._"

"_The Trials and Tribulations of a Teenage Vigilante,_" Dick agreed. Talia glared at them. They promptly shut up.

* * *

"What was the point of that story, Grayson?" Damian asked, scowling. Dick thought about it.

"Uh...to let you know that Talia is a scary surrogate mother, and you don't _want _her to have a maternal attitude towards you?"

"She went to speak with your teachers," Damian pointed out. "I fail to see how that's frightening."

"She _threatened _my English teacher," Dick protested.

"Tt," Damian scoffed. "So? She cares about you two enough to talk to your teachers. I'm her biological son and she _disowned _me."

"Yeah..." Dick trailed off. "Talia's kind of a selective parent. I'm sorry about that."

"She's living proof that you _can _choose your family," Artemis said as she walked in. Damian scowled. "Don't forget – she put a bounty on your head."

"She was testing him," Dick protested half-heartedly.

"If she considers herself mother to both of you, isn't your relationship equivalent to incest?"

"Hey, I've got a mom," Artemis said. "Since she's not biologically related to either of us, I fail to see how it's incest."

"Yeah, I mean, I appreciate the thought, and she's not bad, but I like Catwoman better. At least Selina doesn't kill as many people as Talia."

Damian sighed. "So you had an actual mother who cared about you as well as two surrogate mothers?"

Dick grabbed the ten year old by the shoulders and shoved him towards Artemis, ignoring the protests and death threats. "Here, Damian! Artemis can be your surrogate mother!"

Damian glared at him. "Grayson, her family is unworthy of their affiliation with the League, and she – "

"Is your idol," Dick completed. He placed a hand on Artemis's back, smiling at her. "Come on, Artemis, he loves you. Admit it – you love him, too."

Artemis groaned. "Fine. If you're not going to shut up about this – let's go to parent teacher conferences!"

Grinning broadly, Dick wrapped Damian and Artemis in a huge bear hug. Both former assassins hit him.


End file.
